Coincidence?

It's been a kuzillion days since my last post. At least, it feels that way. Funny, but the two comments made by someone for the last entry- they were made by someone named Raquel. I was so confused! My name is Raquel too.

Sometimes, I think what I need is a return to the old days. A return to a time when I didn’t feel starved, when I had discipline, when I was innocent and I had balance.

I feel as though lately, the reigns of my life have been dragging me. But now, I am ready to hold onto those reigns, grasp them firmly in my hands, jerk them back and reclaim power.

Just a few years ago, I was dreamy. Just a few years ago, I yearned for something. I got that something. And I’ve lost it. It comes and it goes. I don’t know what it is even. It’s elusive. But, I always want it.

This longing, it causes me such…inconvenience? That is an understatement. It causes me such agony; it distracts me. It ruins me. It gets in the way.

I want to be strong and I want to resist, but it’s so hard. Why should I resist? Does resisting mean strength? Restraint means strength and discipline. I want to focus on school, on me and on what I have to do. I want to manage my time well. I don’t want to be tired. I want to have energy and sufficient sleep, but right now I cannot sleep. My mind is racing and my heart is all over the place. I am, as usual, restless. Why is it so complicated? Why do I manipulate myself?

I think that, for someone my age, I am quite bitter. I am angry. People let me down left and right, left and right. Why do I look to people to save me? To fill this emptiness? To make me happy? People are so disappointing. It’s not fair though. They don’t know I expect that of them. The happiness they provide is so temporary; maybe even so artificial. Who knows what a real connection is?

There are some people I have to get rid of. There are poisons in my life and like inebriants, they’ve made me happy, but it’s all too fake and all too unhealthy. I can’t get carried away. They just don’t understand. They just are no good for me, and probably, no good to me.

I have to be my own source of happiness. I have to be, as I’ve learned already many times before, my own best friend. I have only myself to lean on. That is how I feel. Should I feel guilty for wanting to lean on someone? No. I do wish someone needed to lean on me and that it would be mutual. I feel that I turn to others, but who turns to me? No one. I should be my own social circle. My own circle. I should be like a self-sufficient country, hardly importing from the outside. My happiness comes from within me. My advice comes from within me. My enjoyment, my prosperity, my success, my needs, my wants…from me for me within me. It makes no real sense I guess. But what makes sense anymore when you feel isolated and alone? You have to make that isolation an asset. But here I am being insane, as usual.

I don’t even know if it is love I want. It isn’t. I want discipline and I want strength. I want restraint. I want to be able to keep my life in order. I yield to my longings; one of which is connection. I long for connection. I long for it so much. But why? Why do I seem to long for it more than anyone else I know? I am forcing myself to be sick of someone. I need to get rid of him. He’s just…frustrating. There are too many conditions within this I can’t deal with anymore. I can’t see him as a true friend. I can’t see him as anything. All along he has been a toy and I have been his great toy too. Fair enough. But now, I want a friend. Now, I want someone I can really talk to. He is not that. He doesn’t seem to want someone he can really talk to either. I am angry and I am mad at him. He’s just… stupid. He, the idea of him, whatever in my mind I construed him to be is stupid. He’s not real. He’s this fantastical sort of person that came out of nowhere, knocked on my door and I came out to play. I got lost. I am stepping back and away. I don’t want to be lost anymore. I don’t want to play anymore. I want to be alone. I want to be… on my own, but a part of me never wants to be alone. That is what frustrates me. I never want to be alone, but I am always alone. Now the lines are blurred. I am trying to make it so that I feel like yes, I do in fact want to be alone just so I don’t feel bad that I am always alone. It makes it look like I am getting what I want, but I know that it is not what I want. It just seems to be the way things turned out.

Why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel like I am the only one who ever feels this way? Why do I not know what anyone else feels? Does anyone else feel?

I can't believe my last post was in June. Where did the summer go? So much has happened. I don't even physically write in a diary anymore. Let's blame technology. Typing isn't so hard on the hands as writing with a pen on paper.

SUMMER
WORK - S. was a great place to work. Nice bosses, good pay, good co-workers. However, I did get a few annoying comments on how young I looked. One lady said I looked 12! What the?!
EUROPE - was amazing! I am so glad we went to all those countries! Unforgettable! There's just so much to say about the whole trip. I can't possibly know where to begin.

NOW...
Another school year. I feel that I have so many thoughts to sort through.
Ahhh! Everything happens all at the same time!
I am realizing a few things about me. I have some social incapabilities!

What made me write the previous blog? Well, forget that I said it. Probably was just one of those moods. Now, I wonder other things. Does he like me? How would I be able to tell? Or am I just being dense. It has occured to me what makes him different. At least, let me believe that he IS different, for now anyways. It's where he's placed in my slew of past guys. He is after Cody. He is the next new guy, or so it feels, after a relationship. He is the first guy after I've had tons of "practice". He is probably the first guy I have been doing everything right with so far and has been doing pretty well with me so far too.
If Marisa was here, maybe we'd discuss all the things to point to me thinking he might actually like me. I can't wait to chill Wednesday. It'll be interesting. I mean, he and I have been getting close. We're really connecting. Is this the course of things? I am afraid I am just enjoying this too much and something will slap me in the face. What if one day he just suddenly says he's official with some other girl? I'd be hurt, I know. But, I think I might be a little shocked. I thought we were going so well. I don't know. On his OKcupid, it's listed that he's just looking for new friends and the "short-term dating" and "sex partners" was taken out. On Facebook, he was "no longer listed as single." Is that because he's found me and thinks maybe things may be going somewhere with us that he should take those out? Or, as in he has found me and now he's not looking for anymore "company"? Or, has he found more than just me and several other girls for his entertainment? Uh.
What has he told his friends about me? Before meeting me, did they know who I was? Or what Mark and I were? Mark hugs me and is mildly affectionate with me when we were with his friends and with Rob. He puts his head on my shoulder, his hand on my knee and kisses me hello and goodbye and is playful. What does that mean? He says hi to me on msn and he does call me. He and I can connect. Wow. I had a dream where I met his parents and they said "Oh, you're the one Mark's been talking about all the time." Does he do that at all? Or has he mentioned anything to anyone? This is fun and frustrating. He said "Denny's is the way to your heart..." Is that where he's trying to go? I hope so. But I hope he doesn't fuck with it. Whatever it is, I don't feel the urge too strong to have a "talk" with him. It's unnecessary right now. But I do wonder how he feels about things, if he feels anything at all...

I no longer believe in love.

It is just before midnight and my new goal nowadays is to try and get up early. I have decided that I no longer want to be struggling each morning. Waking up and getting out of bed and hearing the alarm clock just about kills me every morning. It is the toughest part of my day! I've decided to try and make it a real point to get up early and hop right out of bed and stop pressing the snooze button ten million times. Why? Because my new job starts at 8am!
I will really miss my current job. I have loads of stuff to buy from there before I leave.

NEW GOAL: Get up early. Get up on time. Get up at 6am. Leave the house 6:30am.
PREPARATIONS: Shower the night before. Prepare clothes. Know what to have for lunch the next day so you know what to grab from the fridge. Ideally, prepare it the night before, but it might seem "less fresh" that way.
THE BENEFITS: No more rushing to beat the clock. I can walk slower and not chase any busses. I will, ultimately, be less stressed and be doing myself a favour.

WHAT I WANT TO BUY:
Hot Rollers Set
Prosys Shampoo and Conditioner
Pro-touch Flat Iron
Prosys Beauty Essence
Volumizing Shampoo/Products
Teasing brush
Can of wax, honey or tea tree or azulene

Shoes, a few!
Office clothes
New tongue ring
New belly ring

TO DO:
Practice for G road test
Try pole dancing
Save for Europe this summer
Read a lot this summer!
Clean room or rather, keep room tidy

Go to registrar's office this Friday before work
Laundry

Other parts of life; try not to be so "lonely." Don't be so needy from other people. Remind yourself not to get attached. Find happiness within yourself. Keep myself busy and away from that "drowning" feeling.
It would be nice to be on facebook and msn and the internet less. It would be nice to read again and just get absorbed in books.

I don't get it

Work sort of sucked today. I had to do customer surveys at Indigo downtown. Honestly, I've come to conclude that the most precious thing you can give is time! Two minutes out of your life won't hurt! I mean, it really did suck to have to go up to people and ask them questions. Why is everyone in such a hurry? What is seriously the big rush? I don't understand. I mean, these people, not all of them can be that busy! I hated it. One of the best things ever is empathy. Do people have no empathy? I guess they don't. Why are people so heartless, so scared, so unwilling to interact or be "bothered"? I mean, it's pretty sad when I consider it polite that someone stops walking to pause in front of me and let me finish my sentence. Hello! I'm a person here trying to talk to you! The worst is when people give you this half smile, this afraid of you, almost demeaning smile, and shake their head no and keep walking. I suppose it could be worse; they could yell at me or something. Some just walk on by. Is two minutes really too much?! Karma on all those assholes. I seriously got so annoyed that I, in those moments, chose to believe in a hell just so there could really be a place designed especially for all of them to rot in!
But there is the tiniest glimmer of hope for us humans. Some people were kind enough to stop and really give their suggestions. Some were kind enough to try and make it so they could qualify for those surveys. I remember them: Amelia, Cyril and Mary. They were especially nice! God bless their souls forever, I genuinely mean that. They knew I was going to "bug" them and they let themselves be bugged out of the kindness of their hearts. Mary told me not to rush and said she once worked in retail. Cyril made it so that he thought of a book he could not find, although he wasn't searching for it particularly on that day. Amelia was more than happy to give suggestions.
Other people qualified but didn't have two minutes to spare! Unbelievable! I mean, I guess I could understand if they had their car parked and the meter was expiring, or if they desperately needed to catch a bus, but some of them sure seemed like they had time if you ask me- snooty assholes. One lady said "I couldn't find it and I'm aggravated, I don't want to do any surveys." Well I hope your life is one big hellish aggravation too bitch! Ugh. At least I can fake a smile and "sorry." And if I were to follow what I'm professing now, then fine, I can understand her frustration too. Having a slew of crappy jobs, I can be grateful that I consider myself to be pretty damn empathic and polite.
So people, please! Just try to understand. Think of the time you might spend idling, sitting in front of the TV, on facebook, on youtube- if someone needs your time, just a bit of it, stop and help out! You could really make someone's day and it doesn't take long! These are people too who are just doing their jobs, who don't mean you any harm, who don't really want to bug you more than they have to. People really need to be nicer. People need to stop being afraid of other people. Why is everyone bothered so easily?! Seriously! A little kindness makes everyone's day a little better.

Ugh!!! I hate this. I hate this so much. As of recently, I am only capable of feeling only the following emotions: loneliness, emptiness, sadness, frustration, guilt, paranoia and anxiety. I feel empty. I feel bored. I feel alone. I have all this homework to do and worry about and I spend all this time online in vain, thinking I'll find some kind of connection. Ironic, isn't it? The world wide web to connect us all is really just contributing to my loneliness. I don't know if I am depressed in any way, but I might be. I just can't feel happy, or truly happy. I just can't focus on anything. I feel alone. There is no one who really understands. I feel like my current state mirrors how I was when I was a little girl. Alone. I have all these thoughts and feelings inside myself that never get to come out because no one ever asks about what I am REALLY thinking or feeling and when I was little, I don't think I ever voiced what was truly going on inside of me. I don't really know how to deal with this, except that I just can't wait for school to be over because school sucks and with summer here, it'll be nice not to have school to worry about.

I think Roxanne feels depressed too and that is why she eats. I wonder if it's the same as me. I feel so empty, so alone. I don't have fun, I hardly interact with people or friends. I find myself always, always, always alone- on the bus, in the subway, on the way to class, on the way to work, in school, at work, at home, in bed, on msn... Alone. No one to do things with. Thank God school will be over soon. This year was quite the emotional toll. I'm afraid I'll breakdown if school was any longer. I just feel so weak sometimes. I hate having to be "so strong". I don't like that I'm alone so much. I always do everything alone.

Once upon a time, I had friends. Once upon a time, every weekend was a party and everyday was the life I had always wanted. Once upon a time, I woke up every morning and felt like I had everything. Everything. I woke up with his arms wrapped around me and felt love the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. Everything in between, throughout the day, was a little adventure. I smiled a lot, felt crazy, but had a bounce in my step. I was happy.

I often wonder what life would be like if I had made other choices. I hate that I overdosed. It was an accident. It really ruined everything and since then, I've had a hard time trying to feel happy, connected to anyone, or complete. I just feel sick a lot of the time and when I say sick, I don't mean physically. I feel... like staying in bed and just staying in bed. Sleeping means not having to face the day. I feel like not going out. I feel like hiding. I feel like watching TV under a blanket with something good to eat. I feel like washing the makeup from my face. I hate getting up in the morning and needing to do my hair and makeup before I step out the door. I hate the same, old, bumpy walk to the bus stop every bloody morning. I hate the cold, I hate the wind. I hate how it hurts my dry hands. I hate the fucking ice on the sidewalks and the snowbanks that I need to climb over sometimes. I hate working. I hate my two jobs. I hate the trip from school to Pearlon. I hate waiting for the bus. I hate not having a watch. I hate that I always lose my stuff. I hate that I always procrastinate. I am doing that now! Ironic, right there: I am procrastinating right now! I hate Old English. I hate translating passages. I hate exams. I hate Indigenous Lit. I hate participating in class. I hate three hour long classes. I hate commuting. I hate that I've completely gotten used to eating alone. I hate not enough empty spaces to be alone, like in some of the cafs in school! I hate not having any friends! I hate that I have to be my own friend just to survive every friggin day. I hate that I am addicted to my makeup. I wasn't always like this. I hate being broke. I hate that no matter how much I make, it goes so fast and never has time to pile up. I hate my ridiculously expensive GTA pass. I hate being late, and I'm often late! I hate feeling sleepy. I hate feeling tired. I hate my obsession with desiring to be hot, or look hot. I hate that I wish I had bigger boobs. I hate my vibrator, well no, not really. I hate that I have to get my G this year, I don't feel ready. I hate looking too young for my age! I hate that I can't click with people so well, what is wrong with people?! I hate people! I hate the teenagers at my call centre job. I hate that I'm such a snob! I hate that I am so self-conscious about me not being nice enough sometimes and that I don't do anything about it. I hate that I feel this jump at the slightest connection with anyone. I hate my unassertiveness, my indecisiveness, how passive I really am. I hate that I don't cook. I hate that I try to quit people when people is what I need. I hate that I can't quit certain people. I hate being so needy. I hate that I worry if I have too chubby cheeks. I hate that I wish I had a sexier behind, a sexier everything. I hate ex-grilfriends of any sort. I hate my ex-boyfriend. I hate that I miss him so much. I hate that I say hi to him and that I keep re-adding and deleting and re-adding him on MSN like a pathetic maniac. I hate that I feel like everyone else is having so much fun. I hate living in the past. I hate that winter never seems to end. I hate waiting for things to get better. I hate that when I think of where I was and where I am now, I still hate things. I probably hate more things now than before. I felt alone before, but now, I thought school would help me feel less alone, when really, I actually feel more alone and find myself in more situations where I am alone. I hate that there is no magic in life. I hate that I hate so much stuff. I hate my bed. I hate it so much. It's where I'm ultimately alone. I hate the floor of my bedroom. I hate all the clutter in my bedroom. I hate that I play so much dress-up but what good does it do?! I hate the music on the radio today. It sucked. There's so much more I hate. I hate, I hate, I hate. I'm a hater today. And come to think of it, I hate so many things everyday.

Deactivation Day

Today I am deactivating from dealing with boys. My slate is clean as of now. Goodbye to exes, goodbye to playmates. I don't feel like playing. I am going to enjoy myself all to me, just for me. I need to free myself from this mess, this garbage, this waste of time.

Three days of no work. Nice. But I have a ten page essay due! I think of him all the time, everyday. I want him to "find me", but I don't know if that makes sense. I miss him. I was happy when he messaged me to say hi. I can't wait for summer.

I think I still love him. There, I said it. But it would be pointless for him to know because what good is it to tell someone you love them and still don't want to be in a relationship with them. What good is it really for him to hear it and it stops right there? I don't want to fight. I don't want any drama. I just really realize that I miss him so much and he was so wonderful. Maybe I realize this when I feel really lonely, which is quite often I find. I miss him. I still love him deep down. If that means anything or not, I really don't know. I don't know how he feels and I'm not sure if it even matters because I've already established that I'll never talk to him again really. I will never start another conversation. I'm just letting it wither away and slowly fade and disappear. I don't know what to do, but I'm just doing nothing. I don't have to do anything.

lonely

I'll have to admit that lately I have been feeling pretty lonely. I should seriously get my ass on working on end of the year papers and what not, but I can't get myself to. I just feel so empty and lonely and alone. I am trying not to get too attached to people who seem to, well, people I seem to be regularly speaking with simply because people lead to disappointment and I just don't think I am in any shape to face any kind of disappointments right now. I don't know. It just sucks that here I am as usual, seeking connection and finding a great big vast nothingness. I wish I didn't feel so alone. I mean, I often think of just going to bed to not have to deal with it. I hate it. I don't know. I have stupid work tomorrow. I hope it goes by pretty fast. At least I got paid today, my shift got cancelled yesterday, I got my sources for my essay, I know my tax return this year is pretty good and soon, winter will be over. I hope I cheer up a little when summer is here. I still miss Cody though. But I don't think we'lll ever talk again. I think I've finally reached that point when I am able to turn away and occasionally take a peek without being seen. I will miss him. I know I am a romantic and although I have ambitions in life, I do want a career and success, I know deep down, I seek love and connection most of all. When Cody and I were together and happy, I seriously felt like I finally had it all. I would wake up feeling like I had everything. It was the best. I think I'm just going through a lonely phase since I haven't being partying much anymore and I realize how much time I spend just alone and on my own and as much as I enjoy my own company, all this solitude is slowly driving me insane and sad.

Everything's going to be alright, everything's going to be alright now. Class was okay today. Today went very smoothly. I think my TA for Native Lit is really intelligent and I like how he engages the class; even more than the way the prof does actually. As if I participated! I usually feel dumb after participating but meh, I figure no one will remember anything really that I say, which is nice. Unless of course there's another creepy, highly observant person in the room like myself- which seems likely actually. Oh well, school is almost over and I REALLY need start my essays!

Last night, I did my Old English homework and really concentrated. That seriously felt like an achievement. Where has the old me gone? I just don't have the same work ethic as before. I guess it is pretty inevitable not to have that ten year old kid deiscipline anymore :p There is so much more to life now. Or actually, is there so much less? I want to work on my homework but can't. I can't seem to concentrate. Rox has been having the same problem too. I wonder what it is really. Damn it I have big essays due. I think I got top caller yesterday. I need to accept my current situation. I should stop looking forward to people, well guys. I just need to stop thinking of them in general. They're very unhealthy. I fear I truly am going insane. I think being alone really does that to you.

I have to think that from now on, everything will be okay. My hair is nice, my nails are nice, I have two jobs and school is almost done. School is almost done. I need to work on some Old English translations. I deleted my OkCupid account. If only facebook had the same feature. But, I deactivated there. I deleted Cody. Good for me.
My room is not a mess. I took out my garbage. The presentation for Native Lit is over. Everything will be okay. Good for me. I must keep this up.

Right now, I am in school. I am so glad the presentation is over. I think it went pretty okay. You know, nothing too spectacular but it was pretty smooth. I think it was nice and interactive and funny at some parts. I'm also glad that every discussion question generated participation, so that was really nice. Plus, everyone liked our buffalo meat! It was all devoured by the end of class. Phew. Now I have just two essays to work on and a final project. I think it will be okay from this point forward. I'm especially looking forward to getting some Mariko and getting the nails done, that should be nice. Hopefully not too much. I'm thinking fake nails because I cut mine so short and they look so ugly right now.
I really have to try and get organized!!! I am getting so worried about everything :s Especially Old English. I mean I missed all this week! That is really, really bad! I should seriously get my ass on that big time! I would hate to fail that course. Damn, I am so worried about it. At least my essay mark was decent. I guess I'm really worried about the exam for that class, argh. Perhaps I should do my translations and then go to tutorial and ask the TA to look it over and what not.
I want to blaze soon. I am also getting very sick and tired of the call centre job. I mean, it sucks. I cancelled my shift today since I have a listening test in French. That means I'll have to do four shifts next week. Ah well... I need to get some books for Rox. I need to throw out the garbage in my room! I want to get a nice, red jacket.
Geez, I wonder what we got on the presentation. I am really glad it's over :)
As for other things ie. les garcons, a part of me is thinking there's a conspiracy behind everything. But I usually always think that anyways!

Drained and Confused

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. This morning, I thought I felt sick, but going to work made my sickness go away. I have work in the morning at the call centre. I hope I am off at 2! I need to do homework. I should probably quit one of my jobs. If Cody doesn't reply to me at all tonight, it's time to let go. The nouveau garcon is interesting. What am I needing, why am I needy? I want adventure. I want to be free. I want to be happy. I want to be organized. Argh, I could rip my hair out!!!

Interesting....

Things are turning so interesting, I don't know where to start. I feel dizzy, tired, annoyed, tense, happy and excited and nervous and anxious and like laughing. Life has taken quite a turn... into the unknown. I don't know what to think of now. There is much material for some rich analysis with girlfriends and gayfriends. To go on, not go on, or go on and go without? We'll see. But tee hee anyways. Giggles. It was nice. And maybe, as usual, inevitably awkward? But we've broken down a lot of that awkwardness now!

Reading Week

So now it's reading week. I hope to get a lot of school work done. But I know I have a busy week ahead. I feel stressed just thinking of this.

Know what? I miss him so much. I really miss Cody. I know I am struggling with this. I wish I could talk to him. I wish he would talk to me. I wish I knew what he was up to. I don't know why I miss him. I guess it's only natural. I guess I feel sad that maybe he doesn't miss me. But this isn't even so much about that. Whatever he's feeling, whatever he's up to, I miss him. I guess there's really nothing I can do. This is part of the process. I miss him a lot. I still refrain from talking to him whenever I see that he's online because I know that it's pointless and that he won't talk to me most likely. I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know why it matters. I guess I care. But I shouldn't. But I think of him so much! He's always on my mind. I genuinely miss him. I'll just have to deal with it I guess.

Poisons!!!

I need to get rid of poisons in my life. I need to detox so badly! Right now, facebook is a huge poison and I want to get rid of it forever! Well, not forever. Maybe I hate some people I see on it and it's best not to be on that site. It bothers me. Grr. Well let's face it, it makes me feel bad about myself and my life because it makes me feel empty. So I need to stay away from it. It's toxic and fake.

Today was sort of not a great day. I can't believe it! One second in the subway, I'm looking at my cell phone to check the time. The moment I get out, it's gone! What the fuck?! Did I drop it? Did it fall out of my jacket pocket? Did I stupidly put it on the seat beside me? Did it fall out of my lap? Did someone grab it from my bag? Grr! Oh well. I can't believe how it was gone in a snap! Seriously! So I called the cell phone company and cancelled my account- entirely. It was too much anyways! I hate Bell Canada.

Fuck you, Bell Canada! First off, here are my complaints about Bell Canada:

1. Calling a plan the "Uber-25" plan, fuck that! More like the "25 with nearly double the hidden fees plan" - actual cost: $40.20 per month.

2. I asked them "Can I use a phone card on the cell phone to make long distance calls and would the phone card function like any other phone card on a regular phone, meaning I won't actually be charged long distance because I am using a phone card?" What do they say "Well, yes, that should be no problem." Actual cost: $293!!!! On my next bill! Fuck you Bell Canada. Of course, I had to pay it off 'cause those motherfuckers at Bell misinformed me! Fuckers!

3. So today, I decided grrr, I'll take losing my cell phone as a sign that I should cancel the stupid plan altogether. I don't use all my minutes anyways and my social life is so non-existent that I really don't need a cell phone. I call them to take care of the issue immediately, ironically from a Bell payphone, and say I want to cancel. They did say I had another option where I could have money put towards a new phone, but let's not fall for anymore Bell Canada bullshit! So I cancel my account, actual cost: $40.20 for this month's bill plus $150 cancellation fee! Motherfuckers! Up your ass Bell Canada, you guys suck! I hear Telus is way better. I know others too who have complained about Bell Canada fucking everything up and being misleading and how the bills are always so fucking big compared to how the plan explains them. Fuck you Bell Canada!

So now, I am pissed. I am glad I have cancelled the plan. My experience with Bell Canada was garbage. I lost a lot of money. I was misinformed and that cost me. I lost my cell phone and that's my own fault, but whatever, I needed to cancel altogether anyways and the cancellation fee is just Bell Canada's way of fucking you over one last sweet time so they can get some more money. Bunch of fuckers.

My advice: Go anywhere but Bell Canada. Bad customer service. Don't know what they're talking about!

I think IF I ever want a cell phone, I'll go with a pay as you go plan or Telus because their customers seem way happier and their plans seem better. I also got pissed when my dad told me their was a letter from Bell and he asked if I was paying my bills; the hell I was! I was working just to pay my bill, which no one knows! But anyways, my dad said to make sure I kept on top of things because it would give me a bad credit history. The letter was dated from last month and said that if they did not receive my payment (which I already paid them at the bank!), that they'd have to put my account in collections. Well they've collected my payment so I can disregard their crap now and I know I'll have enough to throw at their dumbass faces when my next two invoices arrive.

So yeah things I hate: Bell Canada, facebook, people from high school, doing number 2 in public washrooms, walking on a slippery sidewalk that has not been iced, feeling like I wasted something cough- money.

Things I like: peace, quiet, myself, some good friends, my room, clothes, looking good, shopping alone, getting good marks, saving my money.

Lately, I spend a lot of time thinking about money. I am so struggling to make ends meet! But I am okay so far I think. I am going to see the Spice Girls concert next month so I am excited for that. Oh and tomorrow is my last day at my retail job, hurray! I am so glad it'll be over and that my shift is only four hours long! Yey! Plus I get a paycheque from there too, yey!

This weekend:
Sat:
-work
-take out garbage in my room
-return library books
-read Field of Honor
-Linguistics homework
-read Chaucer, catch up on readings
-Old English homework

Sun:
-put away stuff that needs to be recycled
-put in garage stuff for donation
-laundry
-organize drawers
-vaccuum

I NEED TO DETOX MY LIFE AND GO INTO SECLUSION.
I want to be alone.
I need to be alone.
I need to know that it is okay to be by myself.
I need to know that it is okay to not be partying and spending time quietly, alone, is okay.
I need to know that this means I'll be saving so much more: I'll be saving money, I'll be saving myself from inconvenience (ie. driving home drunk friends, babysitting drunk friends, feeling pushed to buy drinks for broke people at parties), I'll be saving myself tension (with the parents because I know it does bother them when I come home at 5am), I'll be saving myself time (I could be studying, cleaning, detoxifying).
I need to be good to myself. I need to take care of myself. I need to maintain and re-invent myself. I bought three tops lately; all of which are a little bit classy. I like that. Actually, I only bought one of the three because the other two were purchased via gift card. Thanks Ben!
I also bought this nail care kit for $50. Expensive I know, but I love the product! And I want nice nails to reflect how I maintain myself. My nails are unhealthy right now but I am paying more attention to detail. If I had more money, I would have loved to buy the body scrub and body butter. Mmm, nice. Products from Israel, the Dead Sea, rare minerals, very good!
I want to go places by myself more and know it's okay. I want to explore hidden stores, hidden boutiques, book stores, cafes.
I want to get great marks. I want to focus on school.
I want to be that beautiful girl who is all by herself. She looks pretty, well-maintained, alone but not lonely. I think I almost am that girl. I think I am sort of a loner. I don't know if I'll ever have a social life again, but I think I don't want much of one. I think I sort of want to be my own best friend. But of course, I do want my friends. But right now, I find it peaceful to be on my own. I only have me to deal with.
I want to start packing a lunch. It would save me money! I want to maybe get a second job. I want to enjoy myself, and maybe more by myself.
After a while, when weeks pass since I've last gone out to party, I get used to the quiet. It becomes the norm. When I do party though, I think I want to go all out, but I will party rarely.

So in the end, I want to be on my own. Keep to myself. Love myself. Rid myself of poisons. Explore other possibilities that interest me. New jobs, new opportunities, internships and if I really feel like it, new people :p I need to work within myself. My second revolution is a quiet one. I think I am going to like this. I feel beauty, simplicity, independence, individuality, serenity, quiet discovery, soft excitement. This is another kind of adventure. Another phase in the journey. Let's see where it takes us.