Ugh!!! I hate this. I hate this so much. As of recently, I am only capable of feeling only the following emotions: loneliness, emptiness, sadness, frustration, guilt, paranoia and anxiety. I feel empty. I feel bored. I feel alone. I have all this homework to do and worry about and I spend all this time online in vain, thinking I'll find some kind of connection. Ironic, isn't it? The world wide web to connect us all is really just contributing to my loneliness. I don't know if I am depressed in any way, but I might be. I just can't feel happy, or truly happy. I just can't focus on anything. I feel alone. There is no one who really understands. I feel like my current state mirrors how I was when I was a little girl. Alone. I have all these thoughts and feelings inside myself that never get to come out because no one ever asks about what I am REALLY thinking or feeling and when I was little, I don't think I ever voiced what was truly going on inside of me. I don't really know how to deal with this, except that I just can't wait for school to be over because school sucks and with summer here, it'll be nice not to have school to worry about.

I think Roxanne feels depressed too and that is why she eats. I wonder if it's the same as me. I feel so empty, so alone. I don't have fun, I hardly interact with people or friends. I find myself always, always, always alone- on the bus, in the subway, on the way to class, on the way to work, in school, at work, at home, in bed, on msn... Alone. No one to do things with. Thank God school will be over soon. This year was quite the emotional toll. I'm afraid I'll breakdown if school was any longer. I just feel so weak sometimes. I hate having to be "so strong". I don't like that I'm alone so much. I always do everything alone.

Once upon a time, I had friends. Once upon a time, every weekend was a party and everyday was the life I had always wanted. Once upon a time, I woke up every morning and felt like I had everything. Everything. I woke up with his arms wrapped around me and felt love the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. Everything in between, throughout the day, was a little adventure. I smiled a lot, felt crazy, but had a bounce in my step. I was happy.

I often wonder what life would be like if I had made other choices. I hate that I overdosed. It was an accident. It really ruined everything and since then, I've had a hard time trying to feel happy, connected to anyone, or complete. I just feel sick a lot of the time and when I say sick, I don't mean physically. I feel... like staying in bed and just staying in bed. Sleeping means not having to face the day. I feel like not going out. I feel like hiding. I feel like watching TV under a blanket with something good to eat. I feel like washing the makeup from my face. I hate getting up in the morning and needing to do my hair and makeup before I step out the door. I hate the same, old, bumpy walk to the bus stop every bloody morning. I hate the cold, I hate the wind. I hate how it hurts my dry hands. I hate the fucking ice on the sidewalks and the snowbanks that I need to climb over sometimes. I hate working. I hate my two jobs. I hate the trip from school to Pearlon. I hate waiting for the bus. I hate not having a watch. I hate that I always lose my stuff. I hate that I always procrastinate. I am doing that now! Ironic, right there: I am procrastinating right now! I hate Old English. I hate translating passages. I hate exams. I hate Indigenous Lit. I hate participating in class. I hate three hour long classes. I hate commuting. I hate that I've completely gotten used to eating alone. I hate not enough empty spaces to be alone, like in some of the cafs in school! I hate not having any friends! I hate that I have to be my own friend just to survive every friggin day. I hate that I am addicted to my makeup. I wasn't always like this. I hate being broke. I hate that no matter how much I make, it goes so fast and never has time to pile up. I hate my ridiculously expensive GTA pass. I hate being late, and I'm often late! I hate feeling sleepy. I hate feeling tired. I hate my obsession with desiring to be hot, or look hot. I hate that I wish I had bigger boobs. I hate my vibrator, well no, not really. I hate that I have to get my G this year, I don't feel ready. I hate looking too young for my age! I hate that I can't click with people so well, what is wrong with people?! I hate people! I hate the teenagers at my call centre job. I hate that I'm such a snob! I hate that I am so self-conscious about me not being nice enough sometimes and that I don't do anything about it. I hate that I feel this jump at the slightest connection with anyone. I hate my unassertiveness, my indecisiveness, how passive I really am. I hate that I don't cook. I hate that I try to quit people when people is what I need. I hate that I can't quit certain people. I hate being so needy. I hate that I worry if I have too chubby cheeks. I hate that I wish I had a sexier behind, a sexier everything. I hate ex-grilfriends of any sort. I hate my ex-boyfriend. I hate that I miss him so much. I hate that I say hi to him and that I keep re-adding and deleting and re-adding him on MSN like a pathetic maniac. I hate that I feel like everyone else is having so much fun. I hate living in the past. I hate that winter never seems to end. I hate waiting for things to get better. I hate that when I think of where I was and where I am now, I still hate things. I probably hate more things now than before. I felt alone before, but now, I thought school would help me feel less alone, when really, I actually feel more alone and find myself in more situations where I am alone. I hate that there is no magic in life. I hate that I hate so much stuff. I hate my bed. I hate it so much. It's where I'm ultimately alone. I hate the floor of my bedroom. I hate all the clutter in my bedroom. I hate that I play so much dress-up but what good does it do?! I hate the music on the radio today. It sucked. There's so much more I hate. I hate, I hate, I hate. I'm a hater today. And come to think of it, I hate so many things everyday.