I don't get it

Work sort of sucked today. I had to do customer surveys at Indigo downtown. Honestly, I've come to conclude that the most precious thing you can give is time! Two minutes out of your life won't hurt! I mean, it really did suck to have to go up to people and ask them questions. Why is everyone in such a hurry? What is seriously the big rush? I don't understand. I mean, these people, not all of them can be that busy! I hated it. One of the best things ever is empathy. Do people have no empathy? I guess they don't. Why are people so heartless, so scared, so unwilling to interact or be "bothered"? I mean, it's pretty sad when I consider it polite that someone stops walking to pause in front of me and let me finish my sentence. Hello! I'm a person here trying to talk to you! The worst is when people give you this half smile, this afraid of you, almost demeaning smile, and shake their head no and keep walking. I suppose it could be worse; they could yell at me or something. Some just walk on by. Is two minutes really too much?! Karma on all those assholes. I seriously got so annoyed that I, in those moments, chose to believe in a hell just so there could really be a place designed especially for all of them to rot in!
But there is the tiniest glimmer of hope for us humans. Some people were kind enough to stop and really give their suggestions. Some were kind enough to try and make it so they could qualify for those surveys. I remember them: Amelia, Cyril and Mary. They were especially nice! God bless their souls forever, I genuinely mean that. They knew I was going to "bug" them and they let themselves be bugged out of the kindness of their hearts. Mary told me not to rush and said she once worked in retail. Cyril made it so that he thought of a book he could not find, although he wasn't searching for it particularly on that day. Amelia was more than happy to give suggestions.
Other people qualified but didn't have two minutes to spare! Unbelievable! I mean, I guess I could understand if they had their car parked and the meter was expiring, or if they desperately needed to catch a bus, but some of them sure seemed like they had time if you ask me- snooty assholes. One lady said "I couldn't find it and I'm aggravated, I don't want to do any surveys." Well I hope your life is one big hellish aggravation too bitch! Ugh. At least I can fake a smile and "sorry." And if I were to follow what I'm professing now, then fine, I can understand her frustration too. Having a slew of crappy jobs, I can be grateful that I consider myself to be pretty damn empathic and polite.
So people, please! Just try to understand. Think of the time you might spend idling, sitting in front of the TV, on facebook, on youtube- if someone needs your time, just a bit of it, stop and help out! You could really make someone's day and it doesn't take long! These are people too who are just doing their jobs, who don't mean you any harm, who don't really want to bug you more than they have to. People really need to be nicer. People need to stop being afraid of other people. Why is everyone bothered so easily?! Seriously! A little kindness makes everyone's day a little better.

Ugh!!! I hate this. I hate this so much. As of recently, I am only capable of feeling only the following emotions: loneliness, emptiness, sadness, frustration, guilt, paranoia and anxiety. I feel empty. I feel bored. I feel alone. I have all this homework to do and worry about and I spend all this time online in vain, thinking I'll find some kind of connection. Ironic, isn't it? The world wide web to connect us all is really just contributing to my loneliness. I don't know if I am depressed in any way, but I might be. I just can't feel happy, or truly happy. I just can't focus on anything. I feel alone. There is no one who really understands. I feel like my current state mirrors how I was when I was a little girl. Alone. I have all these thoughts and feelings inside myself that never get to come out because no one ever asks about what I am REALLY thinking or feeling and when I was little, I don't think I ever voiced what was truly going on inside of me. I don't really know how to deal with this, except that I just can't wait for school to be over because school sucks and with summer here, it'll be nice not to have school to worry about.

I think Roxanne feels depressed too and that is why she eats. I wonder if it's the same as me. I feel so empty, so alone. I don't have fun, I hardly interact with people or friends. I find myself always, always, always alone- on the bus, in the subway, on the way to class, on the way to work, in school, at work, at home, in bed, on msn... Alone. No one to do things with. Thank God school will be over soon. This year was quite the emotional toll. I'm afraid I'll breakdown if school was any longer. I just feel so weak sometimes. I hate having to be "so strong". I don't like that I'm alone so much. I always do everything alone.

Once upon a time, I had friends. Once upon a time, every weekend was a party and everyday was the life I had always wanted. Once upon a time, I woke up every morning and felt like I had everything. Everything. I woke up with his arms wrapped around me and felt love the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. Everything in between, throughout the day, was a little adventure. I smiled a lot, felt crazy, but had a bounce in my step. I was happy.

I often wonder what life would be like if I had made other choices. I hate that I overdosed. It was an accident. It really ruined everything and since then, I've had a hard time trying to feel happy, connected to anyone, or complete. I just feel sick a lot of the time and when I say sick, I don't mean physically. I feel... like staying in bed and just staying in bed. Sleeping means not having to face the day. I feel like not going out. I feel like hiding. I feel like watching TV under a blanket with something good to eat. I feel like washing the makeup from my face. I hate getting up in the morning and needing to do my hair and makeup before I step out the door. I hate the same, old, bumpy walk to the bus stop every bloody morning. I hate the cold, I hate the wind. I hate how it hurts my dry hands. I hate the fucking ice on the sidewalks and the snowbanks that I need to climb over sometimes. I hate working. I hate my two jobs. I hate the trip from school to Pearlon. I hate waiting for the bus. I hate not having a watch. I hate that I always lose my stuff. I hate that I always procrastinate. I am doing that now! Ironic, right there: I am procrastinating right now! I hate Old English. I hate translating passages. I hate exams. I hate Indigenous Lit. I hate participating in class. I hate three hour long classes. I hate commuting. I hate that I've completely gotten used to eating alone. I hate not enough empty spaces to be alone, like in some of the cafs in school! I hate not having any friends! I hate that I have to be my own friend just to survive every friggin day. I hate that I am addicted to my makeup. I wasn't always like this. I hate being broke. I hate that no matter how much I make, it goes so fast and never has time to pile up. I hate my ridiculously expensive GTA pass. I hate being late, and I'm often late! I hate feeling sleepy. I hate feeling tired. I hate my obsession with desiring to be hot, or look hot. I hate that I wish I had bigger boobs. I hate my vibrator, well no, not really. I hate that I have to get my G this year, I don't feel ready. I hate looking too young for my age! I hate that I can't click with people so well, what is wrong with people?! I hate people! I hate the teenagers at my call centre job. I hate that I'm such a snob! I hate that I am so self-conscious about me not being nice enough sometimes and that I don't do anything about it. I hate that I feel this jump at the slightest connection with anyone. I hate my unassertiveness, my indecisiveness, how passive I really am. I hate that I don't cook. I hate that I try to quit people when people is what I need. I hate that I can't quit certain people. I hate being so needy. I hate that I worry if I have too chubby cheeks. I hate that I wish I had a sexier behind, a sexier everything. I hate ex-grilfriends of any sort. I hate my ex-boyfriend. I hate that I miss him so much. I hate that I say hi to him and that I keep re-adding and deleting and re-adding him on MSN like a pathetic maniac. I hate that I feel like everyone else is having so much fun. I hate living in the past. I hate that winter never seems to end. I hate waiting for things to get better. I hate that when I think of where I was and where I am now, I still hate things. I probably hate more things now than before. I felt alone before, but now, I thought school would help me feel less alone, when really, I actually feel more alone and find myself in more situations where I am alone. I hate that there is no magic in life. I hate that I hate so much stuff. I hate my bed. I hate it so much. It's where I'm ultimately alone. I hate the floor of my bedroom. I hate all the clutter in my bedroom. I hate that I play so much dress-up but what good does it do?! I hate the music on the radio today. It sucked. There's so much more I hate. I hate, I hate, I hate. I'm a hater today. And come to think of it, I hate so many things everyday.

Deactivation Day

Today I am deactivating from dealing with boys. My slate is clean as of now. Goodbye to exes, goodbye to playmates. I don't feel like playing. I am going to enjoy myself all to me, just for me. I need to free myself from this mess, this garbage, this waste of time.

Three days of no work. Nice. But I have a ten page essay due! I think of him all the time, everyday. I want him to "find me", but I don't know if that makes sense. I miss him. I was happy when he messaged me to say hi. I can't wait for summer.

I think I still love him. There, I said it. But it would be pointless for him to know because what good is it to tell someone you love them and still don't want to be in a relationship with them. What good is it really for him to hear it and it stops right there? I don't want to fight. I don't want any drama. I just really realize that I miss him so much and he was so wonderful. Maybe I realize this when I feel really lonely, which is quite often I find. I miss him. I still love him deep down. If that means anything or not, I really don't know. I don't know how he feels and I'm not sure if it even matters because I've already established that I'll never talk to him again really. I will never start another conversation. I'm just letting it wither away and slowly fade and disappear. I don't know what to do, but I'm just doing nothing. I don't have to do anything.

lonely

I'll have to admit that lately I have been feeling pretty lonely. I should seriously get my ass on working on end of the year papers and what not, but I can't get myself to. I just feel so empty and lonely and alone. I am trying not to get too attached to people who seem to, well, people I seem to be regularly speaking with simply because people lead to disappointment and I just don't think I am in any shape to face any kind of disappointments right now. I don't know. It just sucks that here I am as usual, seeking connection and finding a great big vast nothingness. I wish I didn't feel so alone. I mean, I often think of just going to bed to not have to deal with it. I hate it. I don't know. I have stupid work tomorrow. I hope it goes by pretty fast. At least I got paid today, my shift got cancelled yesterday, I got my sources for my essay, I know my tax return this year is pretty good and soon, winter will be over. I hope I cheer up a little when summer is here. I still miss Cody though. But I don't think we'lll ever talk again. I think I've finally reached that point when I am able to turn away and occasionally take a peek without being seen. I will miss him. I know I am a romantic and although I have ambitions in life, I do want a career and success, I know deep down, I seek love and connection most of all. When Cody and I were together and happy, I seriously felt like I finally had it all. I would wake up feeling like I had everything. It was the best. I think I'm just going through a lonely phase since I haven't being partying much anymore and I realize how much time I spend just alone and on my own and as much as I enjoy my own company, all this solitude is slowly driving me insane and sad.

Everything's going to be alright, everything's going to be alright now. Class was okay today. Today went very smoothly. I think my TA for Native Lit is really intelligent and I like how he engages the class; even more than the way the prof does actually. As if I participated! I usually feel dumb after participating but meh, I figure no one will remember anything really that I say, which is nice. Unless of course there's another creepy, highly observant person in the room like myself- which seems likely actually. Oh well, school is almost over and I REALLY need start my essays!

Last night, I did my Old English homework and really concentrated. That seriously felt like an achievement. Where has the old me gone? I just don't have the same work ethic as before. I guess it is pretty inevitable not to have that ten year old kid deiscipline anymore :p There is so much more to life now. Or actually, is there so much less? I want to work on my homework but can't. I can't seem to concentrate. Rox has been having the same problem too. I wonder what it is really. Damn it I have big essays due. I think I got top caller yesterday. I need to accept my current situation. I should stop looking forward to people, well guys. I just need to stop thinking of them in general. They're very unhealthy. I fear I truly am going insane. I think being alone really does that to you.

I have to think that from now on, everything will be okay. My hair is nice, my nails are nice, I have two jobs and school is almost done. School is almost done. I need to work on some Old English translations. I deleted my OkCupid account. If only facebook had the same feature. But, I deactivated there. I deleted Cody. Good for me.
My room is not a mess. I took out my garbage. The presentation for Native Lit is over. Everything will be okay. Good for me. I must keep this up.

Right now, I am in school. I am so glad the presentation is over. I think it went pretty okay. You know, nothing too spectacular but it was pretty smooth. I think it was nice and interactive and funny at some parts. I'm also glad that every discussion question generated participation, so that was really nice. Plus, everyone liked our buffalo meat! It was all devoured by the end of class. Phew. Now I have just two essays to work on and a final project. I think it will be okay from this point forward. I'm especially looking forward to getting some Mariko and getting the nails done, that should be nice. Hopefully not too much. I'm thinking fake nails because I cut mine so short and they look so ugly right now.
I really have to try and get organized!!! I am getting so worried about everything :s Especially Old English. I mean I missed all this week! That is really, really bad! I should seriously get my ass on that big time! I would hate to fail that course. Damn, I am so worried about it. At least my essay mark was decent. I guess I'm really worried about the exam for that class, argh. Perhaps I should do my translations and then go to tutorial and ask the TA to look it over and what not.
I want to blaze soon. I am also getting very sick and tired of the call centre job. I mean, it sucks. I cancelled my shift today since I have a listening test in French. That means I'll have to do four shifts next week. Ah well... I need to get some books for Rox. I need to throw out the garbage in my room! I want to get a nice, red jacket.
Geez, I wonder what we got on the presentation. I am really glad it's over :)
As for other things ie. les garcons, a part of me is thinking there's a conspiracy behind everything. But I usually always think that anyways!