I am still getting over him!

I am still mourning the breakup. I can't stand that he doesn't want to talk to me. I can't blame him. It's only right that we don't talk to each other. It's best to stay away from each other. It's only been less than a month! Remember last time? It took me months to heal! It's important that I remind myself that the six month formula doesn't apply this time. It's not like he will magically come back to me after six months. I should stop expecting or secretly hoping he wants me back. Let's get real. He's hurting too. Maybe too much to ever want to get back. And let's get real. I broke us up for a reason and I should remember those reasons!

Of course it hurts now. It was a special relationship. But it's okay. I'm supposed to be going through this and it's supposed to really suck. I can't expect myself to go through this "perfectly". There will be times when it will hurt so much, like today. There will be days when I'll barely think of it, but it will take time to heal. Right now I'm really sad. Right now, I can't stop thinking of him. Actually, I can't stop thinking of HOW to get over him. I am over him, but how do I STOP thinking of him?!

I took him off my facebook and msn and this time, I really want to stick to it this way. I can't look at his profile page and I don't want to him to see me or what I'm up to. Secretly I think it's to make his heart grow fonder with my absence, but fuck it. I just don't like the idea that he thinks he still has me because of my virtual presence. He no longer has me in anyway and I don't want to stare at his online MSN status and hope he is staring at my name too. It's fucking ridiculous. He's never at his desk! Why must I suffer?! So I deleted him.

I need to turn to God. Why do I turn to God only when I'm alone?! I'm so conditional to God. I feel bad. So I won't turn to Him 'til I know I won't be such a bum about it.

I have work early tomorrow. My sucky retail job I wish I never took! But oh well, whatcha gonna do. And my bank card got cancelled due to security reasons at one place where fraud was apparently being investigated therefore all cards used there were cancelled. I need to simply get a new one tomorrow! Ugh. How inconvenient. It was pretty embarassing not being able to pay for my food today. Geez, they must think I'm so broke to being a $9 meal. Fuck.

I will get better. I will get better. I will get better.
I hate my secret hope he will come back to me. I need for that delusion to die. I need to be cutting off ties with him because he is bad for me. Because our relationship sucks. Because it is the only real way to move on. Not because absence makes the heart grow fonder and this way it might make him miss me and come back to me! I am so retarded. Fuck, I will need to kill that stupid hope. I need to get real and love getting real. I need to work on myself again. This time, no round three. This time, no delusions. This time, the right way.