The following is a poem I wrote yesterday. Today, things went well. I am so glad. Life is more or less perfect. I am so happy, pretty much...


THE DAY BEFORE THE SECOND TRIAL by R.S.

I fucking hate how we don't get each other!
I fucking hate how you're an asshole!
Asshole!

I hate how I am still trying for a jerk!
Why do I want to be friends with
A goddamn mama's boy piece of work?!

I know I'm full of drama!
Fine, "bullshit" as you say,
But look who's talking Shakespeare
The begging back for me letters
You wrote back in the day!

Bullshit my ass, bullshit your own!
"Let's try this again tomorrow"
Way to brush me aside
The way you always do
But I'm the one to hang my head down
I choose to be foolish too

But wait! In my defence,
The honest difference:This is not for the sake of love.
Maybe not even friendship- just a cheap disguise?
Those who know what I'm up to
Are truly the very wise...

I'm trying to clear myself in your book!
I don't want to be your "friend"
I want it so that when you think back,
You think "Well that was a nice end"

This is just to clear my name
So I can also feel the same
And think it ended well!
It's still pretty damn ugly
As far as I can tell!

So my motives are selfish
So I'm probably a bitch
I want to get rid of this
Like my eczema,
One hell of an itch!

I want to get rid of this mess
This mess in my mind
Why can't I just fucking
Leave it all behind?!

It's not even you,
Not even you per se,
it's THOUGHTS linked to you
I get throughout the day!

I don't want you back
I don't want to be chased
I want this craziness, this conflict
to be completely erased!

Do you beg to be friends with someone?
Is that honestly right?
Does he want me to chase him?
Fuck, this'll turn into another fight!

Who has the upper hand?
Who's more powerful than who?
Let's put down these poser masks
And I'll be honest too!

But for now, I'm expecting another
"Fuck you."

Fine! Fuck yourself! Loser!
And so the game never is complete
As in the end we just compete
To see who won the fight
To see who is better off at night
To see who secretly misses who
You tell me to fuck off and
I won't be missing you

But from my heart I'll say
With all the cockiness put away
I would like to be real friends
Forget what I think you think of me
I would like to make ammends
And just end this peacefully.




PS
And if things go bad, I shall say to myself (the chant that all girls say to themselves):
But God, you're still such a jerk motherfucker!And just in case, I AM better than you (over pot-smoking, cheap drug dealing, very bad-dressing, closet can fit in two clear plastic bags, hobo-looking "hippie" without a razor, afraid of four-way stop signs, hicktown, jerk!) And way cuter too! So ha, tee hee! I love having a sense of humour. What else can get you through the day?