Insanity. A headache. I am going insane. Work work work. I need to most likely quit ZeroEdge soon. I mean, I don't think I can keep going on with two jobs. But damn, did it ever help me getting that extra little bit of money. Ugh I am just going totally crazy. I need to be strong.

I am still getting over him!

I am still mourning the breakup. I can't stand that he doesn't want to talk to me. I can't blame him. It's only right that we don't talk to each other. It's best to stay away from each other. It's only been less than a month! Remember last time? It took me months to heal! It's important that I remind myself that the six month formula doesn't apply this time. It's not like he will magically come back to me after six months. I should stop expecting or secretly hoping he wants me back. Let's get real. He's hurting too. Maybe too much to ever want to get back. And let's get real. I broke us up for a reason and I should remember those reasons!

Of course it hurts now. It was a special relationship. But it's okay. I'm supposed to be going through this and it's supposed to really suck. I can't expect myself to go through this "perfectly". There will be times when it will hurt so much, like today. There will be days when I'll barely think of it, but it will take time to heal. Right now I'm really sad. Right now, I can't stop thinking of him. Actually, I can't stop thinking of HOW to get over him. I am over him, but how do I STOP thinking of him?!

I took him off my facebook and msn and this time, I really want to stick to it this way. I can't look at his profile page and I don't want to him to see me or what I'm up to. Secretly I think it's to make his heart grow fonder with my absence, but fuck it. I just don't like the idea that he thinks he still has me because of my virtual presence. He no longer has me in anyway and I don't want to stare at his online MSN status and hope he is staring at my name too. It's fucking ridiculous. He's never at his desk! Why must I suffer?! So I deleted him.

I need to turn to God. Why do I turn to God only when I'm alone?! I'm so conditional to God. I feel bad. So I won't turn to Him 'til I know I won't be such a bum about it.

I have work early tomorrow. My sucky retail job I wish I never took! But oh well, whatcha gonna do. And my bank card got cancelled due to security reasons at one place where fraud was apparently being investigated therefore all cards used there were cancelled. I need to simply get a new one tomorrow! Ugh. How inconvenient. It was pretty embarassing not being able to pay for my food today. Geez, they must think I'm so broke to being a $9 meal. Fuck.

I will get better. I will get better. I will get better.
I hate my secret hope he will come back to me. I need for that delusion to die. I need to be cutting off ties with him because he is bad for me. Because our relationship sucks. Because it is the only real way to move on. Not because absence makes the heart grow fonder and this way it might make him miss me and come back to me! I am so retarded. Fuck, I will need to kill that stupid hope. I need to get real and love getting real. I need to work on myself again. This time, no round three. This time, no delusions. This time, the right way.

Project Gorgeous

This is the way to make my life as beautiful as I can...

- Clean up my room
- Gradually declutter and get rid of things I really don't need
- This will lead to a gradual improvement in wardrobe
- This will lead to a more organized, cleaner, healthier environment
- This will lead to a nice, neat, simple bedroom
- Always floss and brush teeth before bed, no excuses!
- Always remove makeup before bed, no excuses!
- Get a really good body scrubbing brush
- Exfoliate more often, not just my face
- Get good skincare products
- Organize makeup brushes and clean them
- Make it a point to buy finer things, try what you normally wouldn't!
- Eat! Eat healthier foods. Drink water! Eat vegetables!
- Start packing a lunch
- Invest in more shoes!
- Pay off cell phone bill!
- Stop skipping classes
- Minimize procrastination
- Improve punctuality!
- Learn how to stop pressing the snooze button ten times every morning!
- Be a more confident speaker, say what you're thinking but try to be more tactful
- Try something new!
- Take care of your nails
- Use hand lotion more often
- Really get into SPF for lips and skin!
- Set one day aside that is strictly no make up! Sundays!
- Although you are now friends with Cody, leave it at that. You've said hi a few times and clearly this is somewhat pointless. When you feel lonely, know that it is the idea, the broken possibilities I was so disillusioned with, and the sex I really miss. Hell, thinking about the downs of the relationships reminds me that this is truly for the best :)

Priorities:
- Study for upcoming linguistics test!
- Work tomorrow 9-5
- Save, save, save for cell phone bill payment. Hopefully the paycheques this week will help me!
- After linguistics exam, get started on OE essay!!! This is very important!
- Make a very small Christmas list:
*Ben - clothes ($40)
*Ena - clothes ($40) or maybe a flat iron!
*Robyn - DS games ($40)
*Mom and Dad - hmmm... tough, tough... Plus their anniversary IS coming up...
*Tita Dinah - ha! easy! Corona anyone?? ($25)
*Tita Jinx, Tito Boy - I should get them something nice. Tita Jinx especially has been so kind to me this past year! ($40)
*Jasmin - movie pass ($10)
*Justin - movie pass ($10)
*Rayshma (just because she said she was getting me something!) ($10)

Shit, this Christmas list makes me feel really, really broke. How the hell do I pay my cell phone bill now?! Before I can decide anything, I'll need to see how much my paycheque is this month. I need to pay my cell phone bill by the end of January! It's a huge bill... :S But I need to get it out of the way... Okay my Christmas budget is $225. My cell phone bill is a little over that. God I know my paycheques will suck this week, but how do I make these damn ends meet...

Oh well, Project Gorgeous says not to worry. Things always work out and I do have some cash flow, so phew! Everything will be okay. You are fabulous!

PS
In TV shows like "'Til Debt Do Us Part", Gail suggests that the people spend cash only. It is easier to keep track of money when you SEE how much you're spending. They do not use credit cards and I don't think they use debit cards either. I need to stop using my debit card. From now on, I need to use cash only. I bet this will help tons! I am so bad with estimating money because I don't SEE it physically. I should officially stop using my debit card and get used to paying with hard cash.

The following is a poem I wrote yesterday. Today, things went well. I am so glad. Life is more or less perfect. I am so happy, pretty much...


THE DAY BEFORE THE SECOND TRIAL by R.S.

I fucking hate how we don't get each other!
I fucking hate how you're an asshole!
Asshole!

I hate how I am still trying for a jerk!
Why do I want to be friends with
A goddamn mama's boy piece of work?!

I know I'm full of drama!
Fine, "bullshit" as you say,
But look who's talking Shakespeare
The begging back for me letters
You wrote back in the day!

Bullshit my ass, bullshit your own!
"Let's try this again tomorrow"
Way to brush me aside
The way you always do
But I'm the one to hang my head down
I choose to be foolish too

But wait! In my defence,
The honest difference:This is not for the sake of love.
Maybe not even friendship- just a cheap disguise?
Those who know what I'm up to
Are truly the very wise...

I'm trying to clear myself in your book!
I don't want to be your "friend"
I want it so that when you think back,
You think "Well that was a nice end"

This is just to clear my name
So I can also feel the same
And think it ended well!
It's still pretty damn ugly
As far as I can tell!

So my motives are selfish
So I'm probably a bitch
I want to get rid of this
Like my eczema,
One hell of an itch!

I want to get rid of this mess
This mess in my mind
Why can't I just fucking
Leave it all behind?!

It's not even you,
Not even you per se,
it's THOUGHTS linked to you
I get throughout the day!

I don't want you back
I don't want to be chased
I want this craziness, this conflict
to be completely erased!

Do you beg to be friends with someone?
Is that honestly right?
Does he want me to chase him?
Fuck, this'll turn into another fight!

Who has the upper hand?
Who's more powerful than who?
Let's put down these poser masks
And I'll be honest too!

But for now, I'm expecting another
"Fuck you."

Fine! Fuck yourself! Loser!
And so the game never is complete
As in the end we just compete
To see who won the fight
To see who is better off at night
To see who secretly misses who
You tell me to fuck off and
I won't be missing you

But from my heart I'll say
With all the cockiness put away
I would like to be real friends
Forget what I think you think of me
I would like to make ammends
And just end this peacefully.




PS
And if things go bad, I shall say to myself (the chant that all girls say to themselves):
But God, you're still such a jerk motherfucker!And just in case, I AM better than you (over pot-smoking, cheap drug dealing, very bad-dressing, closet can fit in two clear plastic bags, hobo-looking "hippie" without a razor, afraid of four-way stop signs, hicktown, jerk!) And way cuter too! So ha, tee hee! I love having a sense of humour. What else can get you through the day?

Ugh, what the hell is happening here at home?! Why does everyone get pissed at Rox?! I just hate this unpeacefulness that happens when dad yells at her. She's really fucked everything up around here especially. She's such a rude, stupid bitch! I think she knows it! I HATE her. She has the lowest character on earth! God, she disgusts me! I have no respect for her when it comes down to it. I have no admiration for her at all. She is rude and disrespectful. I know I am or was rebellious but I am kind when it comes down to it. I am human more so than her. And as Robyn says she is stupid. Definitely stupid.

I wish I had something really, really good to eat besides just chocolate muffins. What is there I can eat? I already brushed my teeth but I haven't eaten much today really. God, I do wonder what is going on in that damn mind of his. Let me guess: "Oh I am so busy playing video games. Geez, I really need to buy more video games. God, when am I going to get more pot? Hmm... how much money do I have in here? Man, I really need to beat this video game. God, when are those people coming to pick up?" Basically, I think I can imagine what he is thinking if there is no way of knowing. I guess I will imagine it. I am sure it's not deep if anything.

God, I wish, I wish, I wish I knew what he was thinking. His facebook reveals nothing. His email inbox doesn't either. Because although I know I will never talk to him, I wonder if he thinks of me. I can't help but wonder. Is this dangerous ground? Or a sad question from the heart? It is so pathetic. I do wish he would say hi and talk to me. But I am probably being stupid. That's okay. I need to feel these feelings. There is no other way around them, but through them and they will pass. I am just feeling right now. It sucks sort of, but oh well...

I can feel it. I can feel two things: anxiety and more anxiety. I am anxious about going to work tomorrow, my retail job. It IS awkward. I am beginning to hate I ever got a second job, but I know it's only seasonal. So phew. It's the best deal possible. Money for now and I don't have to stay! Plus, might as well spend tomorrow making some money even if my pay is SO cheap! But that's okay. My first job is wonderful and a blessing. It's the longest I've ever held on to any job so I am so comfortable there! I love it there and am looking forward to the Christmas party. I hope tomorrow flies by fast and that I at least feel useful. It is so easy to feel useless in retail! Like, what do I really do?! It will be my fourth shift. I hope it goes okay.
I am feeling anxious about Cody. I am feeling a new wave of missing him. But that's okay. I know my missing him, if that is what I'm feeling, won't cause me to do something stupid like talk to him.
I guess you could say I feel anxious for a third reason: school. Although it is mostly over, I still have a linguistics exam on the 18th and one essay for Old English.
Other than that, I just hope tomorrow flies right by. Perhaps my aunt and I can chill and celebrate!

My back hurts, my shoulders hurt. I should not lean forward to the screen the way I do. Today was tiring but not hard. French was easy. So how's it feel to be done the semester? Great! I still have a paper to work on though but it's not due 'til we get back and my linguistics exam on the 18th. Other than that, I can breathe! This is awesome. I feel happy. Plus it's pay day tomorrow, well today technically since it is past midnight.
And the count "up", I think it's been four days since we talked. Good. I am logging back on to my old msn account, but what difference does it make if he sees I am online or not. It doesn't matter. I no longer feel the urge to say hi. I am too proud now. So good. Hurray.
I am researching bands on youtube that customers ask me about at work. It is funny! I am metal-deaf. It all sounds the same to me! But it's good to be familiar, lol.
Ah, anyways I am sleepy. My room is a mess. I shall clean this weekend!

Damn! Today was stressful but wonderful. I skipped my first two classes in order to finish, or should I say start, writing my precis for Native lit. I think my precis was okay but definitely could have been better! I think the test went well. I know I definitely got some wrong, but I also hope everything else was fine. I feel the stress diminishing....I have linguistics homework due tomorrow and a French comprehension test which I think will be easy.
I have work on Friday and then Saturday. I also must confess that I have logged into my old hotmail account, frown. But I have not talked to him. So there, it has been four days now, right? Or is it three? Either way, step by step, I am not talking to him.

I may have to stay up all night. I have a big test tomorrow and a paper due. Right now I am listening to the strange girl type to me. But this is okay. Everyone needs a listener. I feel she is so miserable! Even more so than me! I can at least be happy in general! She needs a sense of humour, man!

Oh, and as an update in relation to the last entry: Today I made lots of eye contact. It worked wonders. People approached me more and it makes more sense! Hurray.

Today was a long day. But a good day. Work was fine. I like John. He is very cool. I have a mid-term to study for! I guess I will spend all evening, all night doing that! Perhaps I will only sleep around 4am :s And get up three hours later :s But I know I can't study right away. I need a break. My mind is a-mush. Yesterday was good: I did not talk to him. Today is good: I did not talk to him. Let's keep this up. Two days! Let's keep going.

I need to quit him. I need to. At least with two accounts closed, there is no temptation to seeing if he is online or not. I wish I never knew his facebook and gmail passwords. I wish he would change them because I am tempted to see what he is up to. Why should it matter?! I DO have more important things to do but this is a very, very bad distraction!!!

I woke up not too long ago. I closed two old accounts. Closed. That means he is as out of my life as possible, but I still think of him and I miss him. I can't fool myself I guess. I am healing. I DO wonder if he will come back. I DO wonder if he will write anything to me. But it is dumb to wonder. This hurts. I should do some homework.

Today was a very well lived day. I went to my second job and it went by faster than I thought. I must say retail is very, very strange and I can't wait to have the season end. But who knows? It might get better. It's just very weird to stand around a store and try to help people. Like do they want to be helped? It's not like at my first job where helping them makes "more sense" because the brands are more specific and the products are more "technical." How "technical" and what "features" and what "purposes" and what "results" do clothes really have?! It's very weird. I mean, I haven't learned cash yet. I am trying to familiarize with what we have and everything but yeah... I mean, damn. I guess I stand around and try to help people. I want to get good at this, but it is very awkward. My manager says I should make more eye contact. Because I say hi but walk away fast and drift by. I should stop, say hi, look into their eyes, build a rapport. But damn. Uh, okay fine. On the bright side, I should say hey, this is only my second shift. If there's anything I've learned from having six previous jobs before this, things take time. So give it time. I hope Monday goes okay as well.
I got to go home earlier than anticipated today because the store wasn't as busy as expected. On the bright side, Tita Dinah and I got to go see a play together that I am using as a resource for my precis! And we got to go there before the snow and when we left the theatre, it wasn't snowing yet! If we had gone home right away afterwards, we would have so beat the snow! But no, we went to our usual little bar and ate. The food was great and the prices even better :p How kind of her to pay for our meals. When we got home, the snow was really coming down and I drove her to her place. It was quite scary. I had never driven in so much snow before. I had to go very slowly and it was very hard to see. At one point, the car was slipping and I hit the curb! I think it was just the wheel because I didn't see any damage on the car or scratches or anything. But I got home in one piece.
It's a perfectly beautiful feeling to know I have no plans on Sunday! But to do homework and study. I honestly can't wait to have one job again. I really suck at retail. But this is extra dough. I am so used to Pearlon. Going there never makes me anxious. It is a second home even :p But my new job, as with all new jobs takes getting used to and still makes me nervous/anxious. Oh well...it's still an experience to say the least! I can definitely say though that the people are awesome! Ah, I feel nice for the most part...