Okay, so I need to get some things off my chest before I can do anything.
He asked what my plans were when all my things are done. He said he guesses ask for more Christmas hours which is what he will do. Umm... the fact that he asked what I'd be up to can be analyzed as just that for face value or if he wants to do anything. Forget it. Please just bear with my analysis here. I go through this all the time. But here's another thing, he ends with "Don't be afraid to call or write." Fuck it. I am never calling or writing. It's time to quit this addiction. It's time to quit this addiction. It's time to quite this addiction.
Kudos: new facebook name, ignored his request, deleted his email, made new msn, never add him to this msn, never log on to old one... even for two seconds to see if he is online and then go online myself to see if he will say hi. Disappear forever. Disappear forever. Disappear forever. This worked before. This worked before. Success again. Success again. Quit him. Quit him. Repeat this to yourself until the days pass by and before you know it, it will have been a whole month, two months, three months then it will get so much easier. It should make no difference if he misses you or not. You should not even be thinking of this. You broke it off. You know it would be stupid to get back together again. It is over forever. Over. Over, forever. Just keep telling yourself to quit this addiction. Things will get better. You've done this before, you can do it again. Just disappear from him and have him disappear too. Ignore anything he sends and disappear again.

I think everything will get better. Roi and I did get into a sort of fight. I did email him an apology. I said I was too broke to party tonight and had too much homework. I know he is mad because I am no longer obliged to be there and at the same time, why would I want to be with this tension between us? Whatever. I am glad he now has a job and hopefully will truly do something with his life.
I worked today and that went okay. I also have work tomorrow and I hope that flies right by. Also, I must say I am glad with my new msn account and my new facebook name. It feels all fresh. I am glad I ripped apart a t-shirt my ex gave me. I am glad I simply deleted his message to me on facebook. I am glad I ignored his friend request. I am glad that this is the start of quitting him cold turkey.
I am glad. Despite everything, everything will be okay.

I can't quite focus on my precis. I came online here to see if he was online. Stupid of me to hope he would say "hi". He never talks on msn really. I suppose I'm not annoyed enough to kick myself for messaging him. I'll take the fact that he is no longer messaging me or emailing me as a sign that he doesn't want to be together again enough to do them. So fine. This is for the best. What would I say anyways if he did? It's probably good we haven't talked much. He's probably very busy. Aren't I as well? Yes. Busy but very, very distracted.
I can happily say it's that time of the month, so phew. I was just worrying last night. I did not go to French class today. Didn't bother. Probably nothing important will happen. I need to work on my precis. Got more books today! Plus, I reserved two tickets for Saturday night to the show I need to see. Hurrah! I'm also going to need to borrow 20 bucks from one of the rents. Grrr. Oh well.
Oh, wait. Here's another thing... I went in and looked in his email (because I know his password) and snooped. I should be ashamed, I know. But there was an email from his mom saying she would get him a plane ticket and a ticket to the arcade expo. The plane ticket for Christmas and the ticket for the expo for his birthday which is in January. Where is he going?! Some arcade expo. Probably too caught up with school and that to think of me. Why is it that I want him to think of me? Only because I am thinking of him still! Fuck, and to think I broke it off. This is bullshit. Why do I allow myself to be ridiculous?!
He has no time for me anymore and I should have no time for him either. But he's still on my mind. Fuck. I went through this before. Is this phase really necessary?!

Boy oh boy, today was dramatic. It was one of those days where I felt like I was falling apart... again! It was one step forward, three friggin' steps back. I miss classes so often! However, I feel "safe" and that my marks are pretty decent.
How did today start? Well I was actually on time with everything! I could have left and taken the bus and made it to the subway station on time and class on time, but noooo... I decided "Hey, why not take the car? Then I can come home right after class." I meant to skip my linguistics class because I wanted to come home and chill and order my spring rolls that I wanted to bring to my last class of the day. We had our "end of the year" feast. Anyways, the point is that when I got to the subway station, the parking lot was full! Fuck. I turned around out of there and decided to perhaps park somewhere else. So, I won't mention specifics on here but I parked at the parking lot of a big store. I was warned by a gentleman that I might get ticketed if it's there for longer than an hour. I thought "Okay, well I'll run late if I try to find another parking spot, but fine, I'll risk it." I left the premises... for three minutes! I decided I didn't want to risk it but when I got back, lo and behold a ticket was already on my windshield!!! What the?! Ugh. I am so disputing this case. Won't mention specifics, but I do think I have an excellent chance. And guess how much the ticket was for! Forty fuckin' dollars for less than five minutes! Ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous! I was so pissed. I ended up missing class. There was no way I'd make it on time at that point...
Next, I found someone who can take my shift!!! Hurray! She's a real sweet, nice girl and I met her on my first shift but I am so glad she can take my shift, means a lot to me! I hope I can repay her somehow... I think I know how, haha. But also, I hope I can take one of her shifts too so it's a fair trade. I hope this truly is taken care of. I don't want to find out that she can't take it because she was already scheduled for that day or anything...
Next week, I want to make it to ALL my classes and I want to make it to all my classes all the time next term. It is my dream, my goal!
Anyways, I ended up bringing spring rolls to class and ordering it was simple enough. Damn, I spent $51 for a party tray of them meanwhile people spent like $10 bringing in chips and soda and what not. I bet I spent the most! Ugh. Oh well. Too bad I can't cook then. I should learn how to make desserts!
I am now officially super broke. I don't even know how I will buy my subway/bus pass next week. Well I do. It's a $50 bill my dad gave me last Christmas. It's special and he said to keep it because in a few decades it would be very, very valuable. I don't want to spend it. But I have to. But, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to find someone, perhaps my aunt, and say "Want to give me $50 for now and you hold on to this. I will give you another 50 when I get my paycheque and then you give me back this bill." I also got my HUGE cell phone bill today. Thank God I have two jobs now. With Christmas break on the way, I think I will be able to make the money to pay for it. I really want to cancel it as well. Or go over the terms and go over EXACTLY how much I will be paying per month, all charges and fees included. They keep misinforming me! They said the use of phone cards to make long distance calls would work as it would on a regular phone - not! They said incoming calls from anywhere would count in the same way local calls would - not! Those damn bastards! Misinforming customers is the worst thing you can do!
Also, I want to see a play for this precis I am doing. I think my prof would be rather pleased if I used it as one of my sources. I don't know how to afford that, but now I know! He said they needed volunteers to run the merchandise stand and then you can see the show for free. I hope I can volunteer! And see the show before my precis is due on Wednesday. I am so busy now that I don't know if this is possible. But this saves me! Perhaps they need volunteers on Sunday and I can see the show Tuesday at the latest... Perhaps they need volunteers opening night and I can see the show the next day? That would be even better. I only work until 5:30 on Saturday I believe. I can make the evening show! Damn, I feel so busy. But this is okay. It makes me feel like I have a life.
My friend and I got in a mild argument today about this. I basically got annoyed with him being lazy and complaining so much. He said I don't understand and that a lot happens behind closed doors. Well, he seems like he's okay and hasn't been through any extreme trauma. Why is he such a bum?! I mean, in my eyes, and I'm sure the way many others see it as well, he is 21 years old, doesn't work, doesn't go to school, asks his mom for money when he goes out, has never held down a job for long enough, doesn't even drive! Well... what is going on here?! He is so picky and complains so much for someone who literally has no obligations or responsibilities! He complains about a commute being too long when everyday people commute twice that amount for school or work! He says "Ugh whatever, I guess I'll just take the job" as if he were a high-demand super intelligent valuable worker that top companies are vying to hire! I always tell him beggars can't be choosers and at this point, he begs from his mom still! Ugh. I can't stand that he is so prissy! But I will give him kudos for the following: He IS a good friend you can be honest with. He IS a fashionista and knows what looks good. He IS very good with hair and make-up and when he performs in drag as his alter ego, he is wonderful! I tell him to follow his passion: fashion, make-up, hair, drag. He should do it! He should make a career out of it. It's better than anything he is (not) doing at this point. He's not up to anything. I wonder how he stays home all day! He could be making money, volunteering, learning to drive. I don't know what his excuse is. But it's none of my business to tell others what to do with their lives. I guess it bugs me he does nothing because he always wants to go out and party. Does he think he just gets everything served free on a plate for him?! Keep dreaming. Your friends can't cover for you forever and neither can your momma! But ugh, I should back off. I know it hurts to hear the truth from a friend when they criticize you. And who knows? Maybe he has a valid "excuse" I'll never understand.
I also called my sort of ex-boyfriend today. I cried and told him I was so stressed and that I missed him. He said he missed me too and has been meaning to get in touch with me but that he has been so busy. I wondered how in the midst of our emotional turmoil he could still focus. I guess because his essays were due in a few hours! I have two major tests, one "meh" test, and one precis all due next week on top of two jobs. And no money. At least next Friday is pay day! At least next week is the last week of school. Alleluia. I knew I was falling apart when I called my sort of ex. We have only technically been broken up a week but I missed him terribly. I missed his shoulder to lean on. I wonder if he misses me too. He said he did. He still wants to be together I think. But I don't want to confuse my neediness and loneliness and missing him to mean that I should be with him. I need to learn not to turn to him when times get tough. He's not my boyfriend anymore and it won't be fair to need him like that when we are broken up technically and then treat him as just a friend. It doesn't feel right... Oh well, at least we are not angry at each other. I hope over the Holidays we do get to talk...
Plus, my period is umm... supposed to be coming up!!! If I don't get it by the end of next week, I am officially panicking! I am giving it until the end of next week, otherwise I'm going to have to make a very, very paranoid trip to the drug store. Has it been more than 28 days?! Am I just irregular because I was on the pill for a few days and then decided to stop? I used to be okay on the pill like two years ago but I had lost some weight since then and when I tried to go back on it it's made me feel sick. I hope the condom did not break on us!!! This has never happened before! Grrr... I hope this is just me being very, very paranoid. I don't "feel" pregnant. But let's give it a week.
Anyways, I better go. I have homework. I feel tired.

Why am I here again? Because I can never quite focus. I think I am addicted to typing. There is this one girl I've started talking to a lot in school. She is very, very strange and definitely awkward. More awkward than me. I don't think I can stand her much. She talks to me a lot online when clearly, we have nothing in common! I don't know why she talks to me. Maybe because I am so available or something. I really need someone to take over my shift next Thursday. Grrr! At least Rayshma made me feel better when she said maybe she could do it. God I hope she can! I hope she can at least find someone I can switch with! It would take a load off my shoulders. But the thing is, she said she switched shifts in her first week as well. I hope it all goes smoothly. Vic was so nice today! So sincere. It almost made me cry and really made me realize I was lucky to be working where I am working. It's the best job I have ever had and I'm lucky because they cater to my schedule! It really made me feel happy, but at the same time annoyed. I really hope my seasonal job goes okay. I really don't want to miss a test in school because of my new, lesser important job. It's still a commitment, of course, but still...
I realized I never ask for what I want. But I should. If I had, I would have never had to get a second job. I lied when I was asked if my getting a second job had anything to do with my current job. Yes. I needed more money, more hours! Why didn't I just ask to see how I could work more, eh? Ah well, ah well... Such is life and how things go. Now I know.
Current worries:
- need to bring food in to class tomorrow, hopefully call the Chinese restaurant in the morning and have the food ready by 6pm class
- find someone to cover my shift on Thursday, hopefully Rayshma really finds someone who can cover for me if she can't!
- Roi's birthday this weekend, party!
-Precis due next week
-See a play for precis resource
-Two big tests next week, and try not to miss the French test
-Then... I am free! During this time, I will worry about my two jobs and my English essay! God, I am so nowhere with that one! Oh dear...

Know what else? I really miss him... I said hi twice online today but no reply. I wonder if he is refraining from me too. Maybe it hurts him when I say hello. Maybe he is getting over things too. I just want to talk to him. I am not his girl anymore and he is not mine but I miss talking to him... When we did connect... Oh well... Hope tomorrow will be better and that Rayshma finds someone to cover for me. That is big on my mind right now!