Sometimes, I think what I need is a return to the old days. A return to a time when I didn’t feel starved, when I had discipline, when I was innocent and I had balance.
I feel as though lately, the reigns of my life have been dragging me. But now, I am ready to hold onto those reigns, grasp them firmly in my hands, jerk them back and reclaim power.
Just a few years ago, I was dreamy. Just a few years ago, I yearned for something. I got that something. And I’ve lost it. It comes and it goes. I don’t know what it is even. It’s elusive. But, I always want it.
This longing, it causes me such…inconvenience? That is an understatement. It causes me such agony; it distracts me. It ruins me. It gets in the way.
I want to be strong and I want to resist, but it’s so hard. Why should I resist? Does resisting mean strength? Restraint means strength and discipline. I want to focus on school, on me and on what I have to do. I want to manage my time well. I don’t want to be tired. I want to have energy and sufficient sleep, but right now I cannot sleep. My mind is racing and my heart is all over the place. I am, as usual, restless. Why is it so complicated? Why do I manipulate myself?
I think that, for someone my age, I am quite bitter. I am angry. People let me down left and right, left and right. Why do I look to people to save me? To fill this emptiness? To make me happy? People are so disappointing. It’s not fair though. They don’t know I expect that of them. The happiness they provide is so temporary; maybe even so artificial. Who knows what a real connection is?
There are some people I have to get rid of. There are poisons in my life and like inebriants, they’ve made me happy, but it’s all too fake and all too unhealthy. I can’t get carried away. They just don’t understand. They just are no good for me, and probably, no good to me.
I have to be my own source of happiness. I have to be, as I’ve learned already many times before, my own best friend. I have only myself to lean on. That is how I feel. Should I feel guilty for wanting to lean on someone? No. I do wish someone needed to lean on me and that it would be mutual. I feel that I turn to others, but who turns to me? No one. I should be my own social circle. My own circle. I should be like a self-sufficient country, hardly importing from the outside. My happiness comes from within me. My advice comes from within me. My enjoyment, my prosperity, my success, my needs, my wants…from me for me within me. It makes no real sense I guess. But what makes sense anymore when you feel isolated and alone? You have to make that isolation an asset. But here I am being insane, as usual.
I don’t even know if it is love I want. It isn’t. I want discipline and I want strength. I want restraint. I want to be able to keep my life in order. I yield to my longings; one of which is connection. I long for connection. I long for it so much. But why? Why do I seem to long for it more than anyone else I know? I am forcing myself to be sick of someone. I need to get rid of him. He’s just…frustrating. There are too many conditions within this I can’t deal with anymore. I can’t see him as a true friend. I can’t see him as anything. All along he has been a toy and I have been his great toy too. Fair enough. But now, I want a friend. Now, I want someone I can really talk to. He is not that. He doesn’t seem to want someone he can really talk to either. I am angry and I am mad at him. He’s just… stupid. He, the idea of him, whatever in my mind I construed him to be is stupid. He’s not real. He’s this fantastical sort of person that came out of nowhere, knocked on my door and I came out to play. I got lost. I am stepping back and away. I don’t want to be lost anymore. I don’t want to play anymore. I want to be alone. I want to be… on my own, but a part of me never wants to be alone. That is what frustrates me. I never want to be alone, but I am always alone. Now the lines are blurred. I am trying to make it so that I feel like yes, I do in fact want to be alone just so I don’t feel bad that I am always alone. It makes it look like I am getting what I want, but I know that it is not what I want. It just seems to be the way things turned out.
Why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel like I am the only one who ever feels this way? Why do I not know what anyone else feels? Does anyone else feel?
2 comments:
Others feel this too. I relate to your post. Funny thing is I was merely searching "prosys" and your post really rang true. I had people disappoint, betray, lie. I felt deep sadness, weak, drained, alone. It wasn't anything I was able to shake off alone. I eventually realized I couldn't fix this. It had gone too far. Too deep. I lost faith in people. I did not trust anyone. Then an amazing thing happened and I turned to God and started to read about Him in the bible. I slowly gradually started to check out churches and found one I liked and related to. It was uplifting, I felt every time it was relevant. It truly feeded my soul each time. I looked forward to going. It made me feel whole and renewed. I prayed and felt my belief growing and I felt and saw my prayers receiving responses/answers. My God and Your GOd helping me. I realized out of all the garbage, I gained so much more. It opened my eyes. I could not lean on myself for solving everything. I could not get everything I needed out of people, who are flawed. We all are flawed. I could get healed by faith and prayer to God. I felt peace amongst many storms. Not a single one prayer went unanswered. If you look, you will see. It is for real. If you want peace, if you feel an inner void - we all do. I now realize God can only fill it and make us whole. We all need the relationship with Him. I was skeptical as many are. But, now I have felt. There is no going back. I am grateful that I hit such a low. If not for that, I would not have realized my deep need and deep void within. It can be healed overtime. But not on your own. And not through people. I FELT peace when I shouldn't have. I felt joy when it didn't make sense. I saw answers to prayers. It took me to the greatest high possible. That God would communicate with Me. How amazingly lucky are we all. We can all do that. It is so simple... and it is the best feeling in the world to have this contact and this ultimate connection. Best to you! I hope my story may help you. Or any one person out there will be worth sharing it. May you seek the truth - and may your faith in God grow always. In the name of Jesus Christ, our saviour. AMEN. :)
I must also say, I avoided antidepressents. I also did not do therapy. It wasn't easy. But, God pulled me through. Although He did not magically snap me out of it, I did feel many times shielded and see leaps of progress made compared to before. I KNOW I was being helped. There were times I looked at my current situation and DID NOT KNOW how I was making progress or why I was feeling better. It truly was unexplainable. But I KNEW why. GOd. It is hard to describe to others, and sounds unbelievable, but it is the truth. Many people think there is no tangible way to know God is there. I felt God working in my life. To me, it was as tangible as possible - knowing something more was going on than meets the eyes. I am not recommended everyone to avoid meds or therapy. But, I am saying with the type of very severe depression I had, it is amazing - nothing short of a miracle that I got healed in the amount of time I did. Considering no meds, no therapy. With God, all things are possible. Love to all. I hope this can help others too.
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