Dear M___ B____,

Fuck you. Fuck you forever. You are a square asshole. Use me sexually. Use me physically, but don't you dare use me emotionally.

I am sick of you. How can you be so stupid?! How could you have such a nerve?!

I wish we never met!

A lot of this is my fault, but nevertheless, fuck you! I wish you all the worst! Fuck off!

Coincidence?

It's been a kuzillion days since my last post. At least, it feels that way. Funny, but the two comments made by someone for the last entry- they were made by someone named Raquel. I was so confused! My name is Raquel too.

Sometimes, I think what I need is a return to the old days. A return to a time when I didn’t feel starved, when I had discipline, when I was innocent and I had balance.

I feel as though lately, the reigns of my life have been dragging me. But now, I am ready to hold onto those reigns, grasp them firmly in my hands, jerk them back and reclaim power.

Just a few years ago, I was dreamy. Just a few years ago, I yearned for something. I got that something. And I’ve lost it. It comes and it goes. I don’t know what it is even. It’s elusive. But, I always want it.

This longing, it causes me such…inconvenience? That is an understatement. It causes me such agony; it distracts me. It ruins me. It gets in the way.

I want to be strong and I want to resist, but it’s so hard. Why should I resist? Does resisting mean strength? Restraint means strength and discipline. I want to focus on school, on me and on what I have to do. I want to manage my time well. I don’t want to be tired. I want to have energy and sufficient sleep, but right now I cannot sleep. My mind is racing and my heart is all over the place. I am, as usual, restless. Why is it so complicated? Why do I manipulate myself?

I think that, for someone my age, I am quite bitter. I am angry. People let me down left and right, left and right. Why do I look to people to save me? To fill this emptiness? To make me happy? People are so disappointing. It’s not fair though. They don’t know I expect that of them. The happiness they provide is so temporary; maybe even so artificial. Who knows what a real connection is?

There are some people I have to get rid of. There are poisons in my life and like inebriants, they’ve made me happy, but it’s all too fake and all too unhealthy. I can’t get carried away. They just don’t understand. They just are no good for me, and probably, no good to me.

I have to be my own source of happiness. I have to be, as I’ve learned already many times before, my own best friend. I have only myself to lean on. That is how I feel. Should I feel guilty for wanting to lean on someone? No. I do wish someone needed to lean on me and that it would be mutual. I feel that I turn to others, but who turns to me? No one. I should be my own social circle. My own circle. I should be like a self-sufficient country, hardly importing from the outside. My happiness comes from within me. My advice comes from within me. My enjoyment, my prosperity, my success, my needs, my wants…from me for me within me. It makes no real sense I guess. But what makes sense anymore when you feel isolated and alone? You have to make that isolation an asset. But here I am being insane, as usual.

I don’t even know if it is love I want. It isn’t. I want discipline and I want strength. I want restraint. I want to be able to keep my life in order. I yield to my longings; one of which is connection. I long for connection. I long for it so much. But why? Why do I seem to long for it more than anyone else I know? I am forcing myself to be sick of someone. I need to get rid of him. He’s just…frustrating. There are too many conditions within this I can’t deal with anymore. I can’t see him as a true friend. I can’t see him as anything. All along he has been a toy and I have been his great toy too. Fair enough. But now, I want a friend. Now, I want someone I can really talk to. He is not that. He doesn’t seem to want someone he can really talk to either. I am angry and I am mad at him. He’s just… stupid. He, the idea of him, whatever in my mind I construed him to be is stupid. He’s not real. He’s this fantastical sort of person that came out of nowhere, knocked on my door and I came out to play. I got lost. I am stepping back and away. I don’t want to be lost anymore. I don’t want to play anymore. I want to be alone. I want to be… on my own, but a part of me never wants to be alone. That is what frustrates me. I never want to be alone, but I am always alone. Now the lines are blurred. I am trying to make it so that I feel like yes, I do in fact want to be alone just so I don’t feel bad that I am always alone. It makes it look like I am getting what I want, but I know that it is not what I want. It just seems to be the way things turned out.

Why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel like I am the only one who ever feels this way? Why do I not know what anyone else feels? Does anyone else feel?

I can't believe my last post was in June. Where did the summer go? So much has happened. I don't even physically write in a diary anymore. Let's blame technology. Typing isn't so hard on the hands as writing with a pen on paper.

SUMMER
WORK - S. was a great place to work. Nice bosses, good pay, good co-workers. However, I did get a few annoying comments on how young I looked. One lady said I looked 12! What the?!
EUROPE - was amazing! I am so glad we went to all those countries! Unforgettable! There's just so much to say about the whole trip. I can't possibly know where to begin.

NOW...
Another school year. I feel that I have so many thoughts to sort through.
Ahhh! Everything happens all at the same time!
I am realizing a few things about me. I have some social incapabilities!

What made me write the previous blog? Well, forget that I said it. Probably was just one of those moods. Now, I wonder other things. Does he like me? How would I be able to tell? Or am I just being dense. It has occured to me what makes him different. At least, let me believe that he IS different, for now anyways. It's where he's placed in my slew of past guys. He is after Cody. He is the next new guy, or so it feels, after a relationship. He is the first guy after I've had tons of "practice". He is probably the first guy I have been doing everything right with so far and has been doing pretty well with me so far too.
If Marisa was here, maybe we'd discuss all the things to point to me thinking he might actually like me. I can't wait to chill Wednesday. It'll be interesting. I mean, he and I have been getting close. We're really connecting. Is this the course of things? I am afraid I am just enjoying this too much and something will slap me in the face. What if one day he just suddenly says he's official with some other girl? I'd be hurt, I know. But, I think I might be a little shocked. I thought we were going so well. I don't know. On his OKcupid, it's listed that he's just looking for new friends and the "short-term dating" and "sex partners" was taken out. On Facebook, he was "no longer listed as single." Is that because he's found me and thinks maybe things may be going somewhere with us that he should take those out? Or, as in he has found me and now he's not looking for anymore "company"? Or, has he found more than just me and several other girls for his entertainment? Uh.
What has he told his friends about me? Before meeting me, did they know who I was? Or what Mark and I were? Mark hugs me and is mildly affectionate with me when we were with his friends and with Rob. He puts his head on my shoulder, his hand on my knee and kisses me hello and goodbye and is playful. What does that mean? He says hi to me on msn and he does call me. He and I can connect. Wow. I had a dream where I met his parents and they said "Oh, you're the one Mark's been talking about all the time." Does he do that at all? Or has he mentioned anything to anyone? This is fun and frustrating. He said "Denny's is the way to your heart..." Is that where he's trying to go? I hope so. But I hope he doesn't fuck with it. Whatever it is, I don't feel the urge too strong to have a "talk" with him. It's unnecessary right now. But I do wonder how he feels about things, if he feels anything at all...

I no longer believe in love.

It is just before midnight and my new goal nowadays is to try and get up early. I have decided that I no longer want to be struggling each morning. Waking up and getting out of bed and hearing the alarm clock just about kills me every morning. It is the toughest part of my day! I've decided to try and make it a real point to get up early and hop right out of bed and stop pressing the snooze button ten million times. Why? Because my new job starts at 8am!
I will really miss my current job. I have loads of stuff to buy from there before I leave.

NEW GOAL: Get up early. Get up on time. Get up at 6am. Leave the house 6:30am.
PREPARATIONS: Shower the night before. Prepare clothes. Know what to have for lunch the next day so you know what to grab from the fridge. Ideally, prepare it the night before, but it might seem "less fresh" that way.
THE BENEFITS: No more rushing to beat the clock. I can walk slower and not chase any busses. I will, ultimately, be less stressed and be doing myself a favour.

WHAT I WANT TO BUY:
Hot Rollers Set
Prosys Shampoo and Conditioner
Pro-touch Flat Iron
Prosys Beauty Essence
Volumizing Shampoo/Products
Teasing brush
Can of wax, honey or tea tree or azulene

Shoes, a few!
Office clothes
New tongue ring
New belly ring

TO DO:
Practice for G road test
Try pole dancing
Save for Europe this summer
Read a lot this summer!
Clean room or rather, keep room tidy

Go to registrar's office this Friday before work
Laundry

Other parts of life; try not to be so "lonely." Don't be so needy from other people. Remind yourself not to get attached. Find happiness within yourself. Keep myself busy and away from that "drowning" feeling.
It would be nice to be on facebook and msn and the internet less. It would be nice to read again and just get absorbed in books.