Sometimes, I think what I need is a return to the old days. A return to a time when I didn’t feel starved, when I had discipline, when I was innocent and I had balance.
I feel as though lately, the reigns of my life have been dragging me. But now, I am ready to hold onto those reigns, grasp them firmly in my hands, jerk them back and reclaim power.
Just a few years ago, I was dreamy. Just a few years ago, I yearned for something. I got that something. And I’ve lost it. It comes and it goes. I don’t know what it is even. It’s elusive. But, I always want it.
This longing, it causes me such…inconvenience? That is an understatement. It causes me such agony; it distracts me. It ruins me. It gets in the way.
I want to be strong and I want to resist, but it’s so hard. Why should I resist? Does resisting mean strength? Restraint means strength and discipline. I want to focus on school, on me and on what I have to do. I want to manage my time well. I don’t want to be tired. I want to have energy and sufficient sleep, but right now I cannot sleep. My mind is racing and my heart is all over the place. I am, as usual, restless. Why is it so complicated? Why do I manipulate myself?
I think that, for someone my age, I am quite bitter. I am angry. People let me down left and right, left and right. Why do I look to people to save me? To fill this emptiness? To make me happy? People are so disappointing. It’s not fair though. They don’t know I expect that of them. The happiness they provide is so temporary; maybe even so artificial. Who knows what a real connection is?
There are some people I have to get rid of. There are poisons in my life and like inebriants, they’ve made me happy, but it’s all too fake and all too unhealthy. I can’t get carried away. They just don’t understand. They just are no good for me, and probably, no good to me.
I have to be my own source of happiness. I have to be, as I’ve learned already many times before, my own best friend. I have only myself to lean on. That is how I feel. Should I feel guilty for wanting to lean on someone? No. I do wish someone needed to lean on me and that it would be mutual. I feel that I turn to others, but who turns to me? No one. I should be my own social circle. My own circle. I should be like a self-sufficient country, hardly importing from the outside. My happiness comes from within me. My advice comes from within me. My enjoyment, my prosperity, my success, my needs, my wants…from me for me within me. It makes no real sense I guess. But what makes sense anymore when you feel isolated and alone? You have to make that isolation an asset. But here I am being insane, as usual.
I don’t even know if it is love I want. It isn’t. I want discipline and I want strength. I want restraint. I want to be able to keep my life in order. I yield to my longings; one of which is connection. I long for connection. I long for it so much. But why? Why do I seem to long for it more than anyone else I know? I am forcing myself to be sick of someone. I need to get rid of him. He’s just…frustrating. There are too many conditions within this I can’t deal with anymore. I can’t see him as a true friend. I can’t see him as anything. All along he has been a toy and I have been his great toy too. Fair enough. But now, I want a friend. Now, I want someone I can really talk to. He is not that. He doesn’t seem to want someone he can really talk to either. I am angry and I am mad at him. He’s just… stupid. He, the idea of him, whatever in my mind I construed him to be is stupid. He’s not real. He’s this fantastical sort of person that came out of nowhere, knocked on my door and I came out to play. I got lost. I am stepping back and away. I don’t want to be lost anymore. I don’t want to play anymore. I want to be alone. I want to be… on my own, but a part of me never wants to be alone. That is what frustrates me. I never want to be alone, but I am always alone. Now the lines are blurred. I am trying to make it so that I feel like yes, I do in fact want to be alone just so I don’t feel bad that I am always alone. It makes it look like I am getting what I want, but I know that it is not what I want. It just seems to be the way things turned out.
Why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel like I am the only one who ever feels this way? Why do I not know what anyone else feels? Does anyone else feel?
